Welcome to another addition of Babbling Brook Jacoby, the place where we celebrate the peripheral of the sporting universe with sarcastic remarks and stupid little pictures. In this issue will examine the greatest sports video games NEVER made. Why would we care about games that don’t yet exist? OK LET’S GET STARTED!!!
NBA Thug Life
Play in the life of an NBA baller all without ever stepping on the court. Decide what kind of career you want to build as a professional athlete. Want a high “street cred” ranking? Earn your rep by shooting up night clubs and having illegitimate children while avoiding paying child support. Want to be more marketable? Avoid saying anything political or controversial or standing for principles that might cause your shoe sales to plummet. Want to be an entertainer? Instead of running down the floor to play defense, come up with a signature pose for the cameras you can use after scoring an insignificant basket, or just make really terrible movies (looking at you Space Jam).
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What won’t Bugs Bunny do for money? |
Besides learning to master these three facets of the game, NBA Thug Life also features many fun side quests. Build phony relationships with Hollywood A-listers in Celebrity Cells. Figure out the perfect combinations of illegal drugs that allow you to play effectively without going into cardiac arrest in a mini game called, High Level Performer. If you are lucky enough to survive to the end of your career you can enjoy the slow decline of relevance by wasting your fortune on mansions, cars, women, and... how do these guys spend so much in such a little amount of time?
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| Oh that's how... |
Calvinball
Based on the invented game in the comics strip Calvin and Hobbs, Calvinball is an amalgamation of every single sport and field game with a few other random household appliances and cutlery thrown in for fun. The genius of Calvinball is that you make up the rules as you go… kind of like NFL referees. Seriously, stop for a second. Have you ever considered how ridiculous the rules in football are? Each year they come up with new rules and interpretations to further confuse Donovan McNabb. I once tried to explain the rules to a friend who was visiting from Europe. (where they actually play football with their feet. Bwah?) One of the first plays from scrimmage resulted in an offside call. This is how the conversation played out:
Euro friend: Why did they stop?
Americano: The offense was offside.
Euro: How does that work?
Me: If you move before the ball is snapped it’s a penalty.
Euro: All he did was wiggle his head.
Me: Yeah, you can’t do that.
After the next play
Euro: That one guy just switched sides of the field before the ball was snapped, and the other team had players moving all over the place! Why isn’t that offside?
Me: The offensive player can move if they're “in motion” or if they are resetting the play. The defense can do whatever they want.
Euro: So that one guy wasn’t allowed to flinch but everyone else can run around?
Me: Er, right.
Next play
Euro: What’s a neutral zone infraction?
Me: If the defensive player moves over the line of scrimmage…
Euro: What’s the line of scrimmage?
Me: It’s the imaginary line where the ball is placed at the beginning of each play. So if the defensive player jumps over that line and causes the offense to go offside then it’s a penalty on the defense.
Euro: So the ref has to judge whether a player crosses an imaginary line and has to read the offensive player's mind if he wiggled his head because of what the other guy did?
Me: Yes.
Next play
Euro: What’s a delay of game?
Me: When the offense doesn’t start the play within 35 seconds of the last play.
Euro: Delay of game must happen a lot.
Me: Why do you say that?
Euro: Because 35 seconds is not enough time to remind the players of all these rules. (Cue Laugh Track)
(Conversation with European friend was dramatized for the sake of emphasis. Also the simultaneous discussion on the pros and cons of the socialist ideal was edited for brevity.)
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| Still makes more sense than football. |
Michael Vick’s Dog Catcher
Imagine the possibilities. Take the classic gameplay of Pokemon for Nintendo Gameboy and combine it with Vick’s unrivaled natural abilities of world class speed and animal cruelty. Along the way you’ll team up with other violent sports criminals like Robert Rozier, Jayson Williams and O.J. Simpson as you catch, torture and kill nature’s most loyal and amiable creatures who trust that you will love and care for them and would never do anything to hurt them… Michael.
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| Maybe there is something to that eye for an eye thing. |
If you get caught by the poe-lice trapping strays and turning your private mansion into the set of Saw 3, you have to spend a couple years in prison while talk radio drags your name through the mud, kinda like the way you dragged helpless dogs into fights to the death while you and your friends gleefully watched them tear each other to pieces, you sadistic monster. But it’s all good! After showing you still have the chops to run around a football field and make a few plays you’ll be given another 100 million dollar contract! Isn’t this country the best? Think of all the animal killin' you’ll be able to do on a 100 million dollar budget! What a great game.
Until next time!
