2012 NFL Draft: Day 1

With the 22nd pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select...

NFL Draft Preview: The Religious Icons Special

Hey everybody, look who’s back so soon! Normally I would wait a few months before posting, but like all the other sports/parody/slasher bloggers out there I need to give my unsolicited opinion about the upcoming NFL draft. Hooray!

This year the draft is scheduled as a three day event of pundits talking about players, players being selected, and then more talking about the selected players by the pundits who just talked about the same players minutes before they were selected… which still makes it shorter and more exciting than cricket. BOOM! Take that, Sri Lanka!

But if you have paid any attention to this years’ draft projections, the first 5 picks are pretty much a done deal. Almost every prognosticator has it going:

Colts: Andrew Luck

Redskins: RG3

Vikings: Matt Kalil

Browns: Trent Richardson

Buccaneers: Morris Claiborne

BORING!!!

So in order to spice things up I asked the question that we’ve all been thinking: what would the draft look like if teams were selecting Religious Historical Figures?

And instead of taking the lazy, agnostic man’s approach to the question, I’m actually going to attempt to answer it. Who’s ready to offend people of other faiths? I AM THAT I AM!!!

NFL Draft Preview: Religious Icons

1^st Overall

Team: Indianapolis Colts

Projected Selection: Jesus Christ

From: Nazareth in Galilee

Position: Right Hand of the Father

Similar Player: Tom Brady

This is the obvious choice for a team in desperate need for a savior. After finishing with a 1-15 record and releasing Peyton Manning to free agency, the Colts will start the rebuilding process with this pick - and the Son of God is a great start.

Strengths:

- Intangibles

- Treats everyone with an egalitarian virtue

- Water into wine miracle makes him popular among teammates

- Willing to take the blame for others mistakes

- Can accomplish great things without having any weapons on the offensive side of the ball

- Tells creative parables to reveal truth (not sure how this translates to the field)

Weaknesses:

- Spends too much time partying with tax collectors and prostitutes

- Does he have the killer instinct needed to compete in the highly physical nature of the NFL? His overall career would suggest no, but his little incident at the temple shows he does have the capacity to play with a righteous fire

- Arm strength

2^nd Overall

Team: Washington Redskins

Projected Selection: Abraham (formerly Abram)

From: Haran

Position: Father of a Great Multitude

Similar Player: Cam Newton

Washington gave up a lot of picks to claim draft rights to this player. There were some rumors that Joseph Smith was receiving consideration, but after his comments claiming that the Native Indians are in fact children of the devil, the Redskins lost interest.

Strengths:

- As the father of three faiths, Abraham has the ability to play in a myriad of complicated systems. Has great instincts to play defensively (Orthodox Judaism) or to go on the offensive (Evangelical Christianity) and possesses the leadership to keep his teammates well disciplined (Sunni Islam).

- Quickness and Agility

- Willing to sacrifice son for Super Bowl

Weaknesses:

- Pocket presence

- Too often listens to his wife’s opinion

- Ball security

3^rd Overall

Team: Minnesota Vikings

Projected Selection: Gautama Buddha

From: India

Position: The Awakened One

Similar Player: Joe Thomas

After years of coaching changes, an aging offensive line, and the revolving door of quarterbacks, the Vikings are in desperate need to realign their philosophical principles. In walks the perfect cornerstone to take the team to the next level.

Strengths:

- Being of an enlightened mind and having removed himself from all desire, The Buddha never gests rattled by his circumstances

- Can play through even the most severe of injuries having escaped the illusion of the physical world and transcended into a higher plane of consciousness

Weaknesses:

- Conflicting reports over his physical conditioning: one scout, Sonadanda, described him as "handsome, good-looking, and pleasing to the eye, with a most beautiful complexion. He has a godlike form and countenance, he is by no means unattractive." Still other artisans portray him with a doughy, Winnie The Pooh type of build - raising question about his discipline to stay in game shape.

- Spends too long droning in the huddle

- Seems to be unaware of his surroundings

4^th Overall

Team: Cleveland Browns

Projected Selection: St. Paul

From: Tarsus

Position: Apostle to the Gentiles

Similar Player: Maurice Jones Drew

Over the last 2 years, Team President Mike Holmgren and General Manager Tom Heckert have focus on building up the defensive side of the ball through the draft. But after consecutive years in the offensive statistical cellar it’s time to add a playmaker. As possibly the most aggressive religious figure in history, no evangelist did more to advance his faith tradition in such a short amount of time that the Apostle Paul. As good as Paul is expected to be, Browns fans will still lament they are cursed by God.

Strengths:

- Can recognize and break down any type of defense with his strong argumentative skills

- Has great lateral quickness

- Shows power running north to south

- Vision

Weaknesses:

- Doesn’t always get along with teammates

- Tends to only see one side of an argument

- Thorn in his side doesn’t seem to be going away

- A little undersized

5^th Overall

Team: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Projected Selection: Muhammad

Position: There is only one God and Muhammad is his prophet

From: Mecca

Similar Player: Tim Tebow

Clearly the best player available, Muhammad is an excellent selection for a team looking to add some leadership and teach their young talent in the way they should go.

Strengths:

- Has a loyal following

- Rejects idol worship

- Wrote an immaculate playbook

-Dedicated to his conditioning; this guy never takes a day off

- Accuracy

Weakness:

- Is not the media darling a franchise would hope for with his strict "no cameras" policy

- Can be polarizing amongst the public and other players

- Sometimes his fans go a little overboard

You can send your angry emails to: thisisnotarealemail@whatever.com

Happy Drafting!

Why He Be So Crazy?

Hello my faithful few,

After a long hiatus I have returned for another addition of Babbling Brook Jacoby! And based on the countless emails and phone calls I pretended to receive, I knew it was time to awake from my indifferent and depressed hibernation to bring you all the back page sports sorta-related news with my own over the top… what’s the word for it…in my own particular... (sigh)

"Idiom, sir?"

Idiom!

Here is one of those made up emails:

Dear Mark Twain of the sports blogosphere,

                First let me start by saying that I am a HUGE fan of yours ever since I read your essay on Frederick Douglass in Mrs. Wydnore’s 3^rd grade class. I agreed with your thesis that he was a great orator and debater, or as you put it “a good talker guy”, and that he was indeed just as capable as any of his white contemporaries. My only wish is that the consciousness of the 19^th century American South was as progressive as yours, for much bloodshed would have been averted. I was likewise quite taken by your follow up report on the Gettysburg Address entitled, “War, What Is It Good For? (Abolition Nothing, Good God!)”

                As a vivacious reader and head of the Literary Department at Dartmouth University, I can with some professional objectivity declare your work as the greatest triumph in the history of sports related humor and punditry. You sir make Bob Costas look like a boob. But sadly you have not posted in some great length of time. Have you been busily working on your master opus perhaps? A sports sonnet that only the ghost of Bill Shakespeare himself could conjure? For I cannot believe that a writer of your skill has been spending his days playing video games, trolling facebook, and lying about. While all noble pursuits, they pale in the light of your transcendent brilliance; the majesty of your written words reflecting the invisible nature of the Great Divine!

If you get this message hit me up on my cell phone… shoot.

Sincerely,

Professor Grey Poupon

Today we’ll examine the wild, the outlandish, and the out-of-bounds behavior of sports personalities in a segment we’re gonna call, "Why He Be So Crazy?"

OK! Who’s ready to Laugh AND Learn!

Ozzie Guillen:

Like shooting fish in a barrel, or in this case political prisoners by a firing squad. The Florida Marlins, one of baseball’s most snoried franchises, created waves in the offseason by moving to a new stadium in South Miami, adding a couple overrated big name free agents, and hiring the infamous Ozzie Guillen as manager.

IN-famous? IN-famous?

How infamous is Ozzie El Guapo? Some might even compare his domineering style and defiant personality to that of a Latin despot. But no one would be stupid enough to make a comparison like that - except for Ozzie himself when he in an interview with Time magazine said he admired Fidel Castro after comparing his own managerial career to that of the Cuban Communist dictator.

Fidel did have quite the promising career as the Washington General’s right handed reliever until his unfortunate comments about his own admiration for Joseph Stalin resulted in a forced resignation and immediate career change.

With English being his second language and crazy being his third, it’s hard to hold his past transgressions against him. What could start in his head as, “Omar Infante brings needed leadership to our young club,” can quickly become, “I love Adolf Hitler!” Or “It should be a real battle in the NL East,” morphs into, “All must bow before the Great Satan!”

Did I mention that the new baseball stadium is built right in the heart of Miami’s Cuban community? Nothing like making a first impression. Hello baseball fans! It’s great to be here in your neighborhood! Now let me tell you about how much I admire the tyrant who led you and your families to flee your homeland! Today, everyone gets a coupon for a half-off discount for Fidel Castro family day down at the stadium!

It would almost be like if at the end of An American Tail, Fievel Mouskewitz declares to his family the love and esteem he has for the Cossack Cats after they destroyed his family’s village and forced them to flee the country. Yeah. It’s kinda like that.

Somewhere out there Ozzie Guillen is putting his foot in his mouth.

Coach Bobby Petrino:

It’s the same tired story. College coach meets girl, girl gives coach favors, coach gets girl job, coach lies to wife, family, and school administration about girl after coach takes a little spill riding his mid life crisis crotch rocket into the ground with girl in b…b…back seat. Surprisingly in this story however, popular winning college coach gets sacked for unsavory extracurricular activity in the sack. Cough, cough, Rick Pitino!

Petrino, Pitino - Let’s call the whole thing off!

Not to be outdone though is the audacity of 1849er Jessica Dorrell. That’s right she has a name. And after knowingly playing the role of home wrecker, using her inappropriate relationship to gain employment, accepting a $20,000 “gift” to buy herself a new car, AND accepting paid leave from the university in her role in undermining the school’s integrity, she is threatening to sue for sexual harassment. But like the Ella Fitzgerald song says, you’ve got to give a little to get a little.

College Volleyball: The world’s oldest profession.

Haven’t we learned anything fellas? If you play with fire you get burned, and if you play touch football with a woman half your age you get tackled by your disgruntled wife. Petrino is yet again another cautionary tale of wanting it all and ending up with nothing.  

 It wasn’t the motorcycle accident but an encounter he had soon after with his wife and Elin Nordegren’s golf club that put Petrino in a neck brace.

Olympic Blunder:

From JaVale McGee’s lowlight free throw line dunks here and here to Ron Artest’s… everything he has ever done (I’m sorry, I refuse to refer to someone who once climbed into stadium seats to punch paying basketball fans as Metta World Peace), no sport offers a more abundant source of “why he so crazy” moments than the NBA.

The most recent comes from Dwayne Wade and Ray Allen, both saying that professional basketball players should get compensation for the time they spend playing for the USA Olympic team… because the honor of representing your country at the world’s most heralded sporting event is not enough for mega-millionaires (they need to get paid, ninja!) Patrick Ewing once said, "Sure NBA players make a lot of money, but we spend a lot too." And he is right. It is completely unfair to ask these guys who have never worked a day in their lives and get paid 10’s even 100’s of millions to represent something other than themselves once every four years. I feel like I've done this rant before...

There is no "I" in team, but there are two of them in Miami Heat. HEYO!

To be fair, many professional athletes including DWade and Ray Allen give their time and resources generously to charity, but this was a stupid thing to say – especially when most Olympians sacrifice their entire lives for one moment to make their country proud and receive very little compensation in return. So if they were speaking on behalf of athletes in other sporting events then ok, but if this is more “get mine while the gettin's good” that typifies the NBA mentality then shutty the mouthy.

What, there are other sports that people get paid to do? I am such a luger...

Good to be back, folks!

The Greatest Sports Video Games NEVER Made

Welcome to another addition of Babbling Brook Jacoby, the place where we celebrate the peripheral of the sporting universe with sarcastic remarks and stupid little pictures. In this issue will examine the greatest sports video games NEVER made. Why would we care about games that don’t yet exist? OK LET’S GET STARTED!!!

NBA Thug Life

Play in the life of an NBA baller all without ever stepping on the court. Decide what kind of career you want to build as a professional athlete. Want a high “street cred” ranking? Earn your rep by shooting up night clubs and having illegitimate children while avoiding paying child support. Want to be more marketable? Avoid saying anything political or controversial or standing for principles that might cause your shoe sales to plummet. Want to be an entertainer? Instead of running down the floor to play defense, come up with a signature pose for the cameras you can use after scoring an insignificant basket, or just make really terrible movies (looking at you Space Jam). 

What won’t Bugs Bunny do for money?

Besides learning to master these three facets of the game, NBA Thug Life also features many fun side quests. Build phony relationships with Hollywood A-listers in Celebrity Cells. Figure out the perfect combinations of illegal drugs that allow you to play effectively without going into cardiac arrest in a mini game called, High Level Performer. If you are lucky enough to survive to the end of your career you can enjoy the slow decline of relevance by wasting your fortune on mansions, cars, women, and... how do these guys spend so much in such a little amount of time?

Oh that's how...

Calvinball

Based on the invented game in the comics strip Calvin and Hobbs, Calvinball is an amalgamation of every single sport and field game with a few other random household appliances and cutlery thrown in for fun. The genius of Calvinball is that you make up the rules as you go… kind of like NFL referees. Seriously, stop for a second. Have you ever considered how ridiculous the rules in football are? Each year they come up with new rules and interpretations to further confuse Donovan McNabb. I once tried to explain the rules to a friend who was visiting from Europe. (where they actually play football with their feet. Bwah?) One of the first plays from scrimmage resulted in an offside call. This is how the conversation played out:

Euro friend: Why did they stop?

Americano: The offense was offside.

Euro: How does that work?

Me: If you move before the ball is snapped it’s a penalty.

Euro: All he did was wiggle his head.

Me: Yeah, you can’t do that.

After the next play

Euro: That one guy just switched sides of the field before the ball was snapped, and the other team had players moving all over the place! Why isn’t that offside?

Me: The offensive player can move if they're “in motion” or if they are resetting the play. The defense can do whatever they want.

Euro: So that one guy wasn’t allowed to flinch but everyone else can run around?

Me: Er, right.

Next play

Euro: What’s a neutral zone infraction?

Me: If the defensive player moves over the line of scrimmage…

Euro: What’s the line of scrimmage?

Me: It’s the imaginary line where the ball is placed at the beginning of each play. So if the defensive player jumps over that line and causes the offense to go offside then it’s a penalty on the defense.

Euro: So the ref has to judge whether a player crosses an imaginary line and has to read the offensive player's mind if he wiggled his head because of what the other guy did?

Me: Yes.

Next play

Euro: What’s a delay of game?

Me: When the offense doesn’t start the play within 35 seconds of the last play.

Euro: Delay of game must happen a lot.

Me: Why do you say that?

Euro: Because 35 seconds is not enough time to remind the players of all these rules. (Cue Laugh Track)

(Conversation with European friend was dramatized for the sake of emphasis. Also the simultaneous discussion on the pros and cons of the socialist ideal was edited for brevity.)

Still makes more sense than football.

Michael Vick’s Dog Catcher

Imagine the possibilities. Take the classic gameplay of Pokemon for Nintendo Gameboy and combine it with Vick’s unrivaled natural abilities of world class speed and animal cruelty. Along the way you’ll team up with other violent sports criminals like Robert Rozier, Jayson Williams and O.J. Simpson as you catch, torture and kill nature’s most loyal and amiable creatures who trust that you will love and care for them and would never do anything to hurt them… Michael.

Maybe there is something to that eye for an eye thing.

If you get caught by the poe-lice trapping strays and turning your private mansion into the set of Saw 3, you have to spend a couple years in prison while talk radio drags your name through the mud, kinda like the way you dragged helpless dogs into fights to the death while you and your friends gleefully watched them tear each other to pieces, you sadistic monster. But it’s all good! After showing you still have the chops to run around a football field and make a few plays you’ll be given another 100 million dollar contract! Isn’t this country the best? Think of all the animal killin' you’ll be able to do on a 100 million dollar budget! What a great game.

Until next time!