NBA Tip Off Preview Tip Off!

Race to the Finals:

Christmas has come and gone, but on that O Holy Night, God left his special gift to the world behind... NBA Basketball! And to think the season almost didn’t happen all because some wealthy white owners didn’t want to pay their primarily black employees. This deal would have been made so much earlier had the owners not been so corrupted by their plantation mentality. And you want to know who the most selfish, obstinate, Jim Crowey white supremacist owner was? Michael Jordan. Yeah apparently this whitey was fighting to see the 57(players)/43(owners) deal flipped. He rejected the 50/50 split because he didn’t think the slave hands er… professional athletes deserved an even share with their white masters. I hope you were as offended as I when we had to watch these poor victimized men torn from their families and sent in slave ships/limousines wearing only loin cloths of Louis Vuitton to go argue their case in front a kangaroo court that they deserved to get paid 10s of millions of dollars in a league that was losing 100s of millions of dollars. (Am I laying on the sarcasm thick enough for you?)

But thankfully a deal was made in the nick of time to save Christmas from the evil Commissioner Grinch.

Chris Paul shouldn't be allowed to leave for a big market, so I'll send him to L.A.!

But in all seriousness no league sees race more definitively than the NBA. If you are an NBA player you are either black or white or foreign. So when people say there are no great white players in the league anymore they mean no white American born players, otherwise they would have to acknowledge 2x MVP Steve Nash or last year's king of the mountain Dirk Nowitzki. And if a talented American player is Milano, well that just means he’s a light skinned black guy.

Some people don't see color. No seriously, Craig Sager does not see color.

The stereotypes run deep in the NBA. If you are a white guy you must be able to shoot but if you’re a black guy you must be able to dunk. If you have strong “fundamentals” you must be foreign because we don’t learn how to “pass” and “rebound” in America anymore. And the analysts unwittingly perpetuate these stereotypes. I was listening to a scout trying to find a player to compare Jan Vessly to. Vessly is a 6’10’’ white guy (albeit from Europe) who’s strengths are running, dunking, and being tall. The scout was so desperate to compare him to another player that he went with Tom Chambers. I get it. Tom Chambers was a 6’10’’ white guy who could dunk. But he also played about 20 years ago! You seriously couldn’t think of a more recent player to compare him to? Someone most fans would actually know who you were talking about? I can think of several guys he reminds me of but most of them are black so I guess no comparison can be made because their skin color is different. Way to go ESPN scout. Someone should tell him we live in a post racial age (allegedly).

Little known fact: Jason Williams was not given the nickname "White Chocolate" for making flashy passes and using fancy dribbling, but because he thought all dark chocolate should go back to Africa.

What to watch for:

Charles Barkley to fall off the weight watchers wagon

No way does this guy make it a whole season without turning to old habits. Sure when there was nothing else going on he could find enough motivation by a paid endorsement to lose 30 pounds. But now that’s he’s back on TV, he’s bound to end up like his TNT paychecks: fat and bloated.

The Miami Heat will NOT WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

You heard it here first kids. Last year the stars aligned for the Heat to win it all. The big three avoided injury, Boston and LA looked old, Chicago and OKC looked too young, Dallas was not talented enough to beat them… and then the German Moses went biblical on their little parade.

http://youtu.be/VU6UHBYJOUw

Miami has the same flaws: No center, can’t shoot free throws, frontrunners who can’t handle the heat (hehe) and no heart.

Chicago and OKC in the finals. Chicago wins in 7.

Fewer trades, fewer firings

With a shortened season teams are going to make fewer trades knowing there is less time for teams to develop chemistry. Amnesty allowed for more veterans who normally would have been traded near the deadline to instead be added in free agency (Baron Davis, Rip Hamilton, Vince Carter).

The Amnesty Claus

Also less time means more rope for coaches as owners will be too busy planning for next year’s monster draft and free agency to be lamenting about their team’s lousy performances.

Reggie Miller will again be broadcasting his play by play from his space pub on Deep Space Nine

Here's to a New Year and a New Season!

Bla, Bla, Bla... SPORTS TALK!!!

Hello. My name is Britton and I’m a sports junky. They say the first step to overcoming an addiction is admission, so I confess that after dipping and children's liquid Tylenol, sports are my favorite pastime. It started at a young age and at the encouragement of my father no less; addiction is hereditary. Born and raised in Cleveland Ohio, you could say that I was doomed to be a sports fan. This town is after all cursed by the ghosts of John Elway past, Roethlisberger present and our economy future. (Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!) But this blog isn’t just about complaining about my city’s history, although that is part of our civic obligations around here, it’s also about life's little lessons, using parentheses and listing things in threes.

1 of 3: ESPN

One of the more common signs of addiction is that you waste whatever time/money you have on it with little regard for anything else (move over personal hygiene). In fairness I don’t directly spend much money on sports but I do use the time following every useless stat and useless player (hence my homage to Brook Jacoby) that I could be spending finding extra work, improving myself as a human being or listing things in threes. ESPN or one of its many unnecessary incarnations is always on in our house. Its noise competes with my creative process and the wife’s voice… and always wins.
Wife: Why don’t you ever listen to me?

This Guy: Not now, woman! I’m watching an Ostrich going Eric Little against Dennis Northcutt! (not a made up thing)

"I think it's time to officially retire from racing flightless birds," said Northcutt after the defeat. "I might instead tryout as a contestant on Blind Date." (also not a made up thing)

But ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPNU, ESPN Classic, ESPN NEWS, and ESPN 3… and ESPN.com… and ESPN the magazine… are based on one Truman Show sized fib: that sports are news worthy. They do everything they can to fool you. Men and women dress like news anchors and read teleprompters while important late breaking bulletins scroll along the bottom of the screen. (Baseball player hits home run who allegedly wasn’t on steroids - may be the first in MLB history - Bud Selig plans on tasting urine sample to validate.) Reporters on the scene update viewers on the weather conditions for the big game and how it might affect you as you watch from the couch in your home -but it’s not news. Ironically it's when actual news stories occur that the jig is up.

Consider the Penn State scandal… but don’t consider it too long, weirdy. How does ESPN handle it? The same pundits who just hammed it up for “Funniest Mascot Brawls and Beatdowns” complete with Saget style voice overs and sound effects, suddenly turn to the camera and say, “and now we continue our coverage on The Penn State molestation cover up”… wait, what?

Or when O.J. Simpson was fleeing from the cops in that White Bronco (Don’t worry, we’ll get to Tim Tebow), was Stuart Scott around to say, “While OJ is on the run for committing murder, let’s remind you of some of the other great runs in his professional career.” (Cut to NFL films slow motion montage)

Stuart Scott makes difficult transitions look easy by simultaneously keeping one eye on each story.

2 of 3 Tim Tebow

Anybody heard about this guy? Apparently when he runs the triple option he feels God’s pleasure. (Hey, that’s two Chariots of Fire references!) He may have become the most controversial figure in the country by playing its favorite sport and believing its most popular religion. (84 percent of Americans say they are Christians. The rest are godless commies who watch PBS.)

This just in: Democracy is over.

But it may be the fact that there isn’t anything worth saying about the guy that makes him a touchstone for debate. He’s charismatic, has nice teeth (jealous) and understands just enough of Christianity to be a pastor of a Mega Church, without all the egoism and aggrandizing that is often associated with Mega Church pastors. (Did you see what I just did there? You thought I was going to say associated with athletes didn’t you? But I didn’t… I said Mega Church pastors. That’s why it’s so funny!)

If you hate him it’s because you want him to be just like the rest of us. If you love him it’s because you think he is.

If you’d like to join in on the debate (and why wouldn’t you) here are some lines you can use to make yourself sound smarter:

Pro Tebow

“His will overcomes his skill”

“He might not be a good quarterback but he is a GREAT football player” (This one may confuse)

“All he does is win football games” (The Skip Bayless Special)

“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!”

Anti Tebow

“He has terrible throwing mechanics”

“He can’t read NFL defenses” (Assume you learned what NFL defenses are from a Madden video game)

“The option can’t work at this level”

“There is no god”

Just interrupt people when they talk and say a line. They’ll see where you’re coming from.

Tebow, dost thou love thee? Lead thine Broncos.

3 of 3: Seven Of Nine

The Borg don't make 'em like they used to.