Bla, Bla, Bla... SPORTS TALK!!!

Hello. My name is Britton and I’m a sports junky. They say the first step to overcoming an addiction is admission, so I confess that after dipping and children's liquid Tylenol, sports are my favorite pastime. It started at a young age and at the encouragement of my father no less; addiction is hereditary. Born and raised in Cleveland Ohio, you could say that I was doomed to be a sports fan. This town is after all cursed by the ghosts of John Elway past, Roethlisberger present and our economy future. (Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!) But this blog isn’t just about complaining about my city’s history, although that is part of our civic obligations around here, it’s also about life's little lessons, using parentheses and listing things in threes.

1 of 3: ESPN

One of the more common signs of addiction is that you waste whatever time/money you have on it with little regard for anything else (move over personal hygiene). In fairness I don’t directly spend much money on sports but I do use the time following every useless stat and useless player (hence my homage to Brook Jacoby) that I could be spending finding extra work, improving myself as a human being or listing things in threes. ESPN or one of its many unnecessary incarnations is always on in our house. Its noise competes with my creative process and the wife’s voice… and always wins.
Wife: Why don’t you ever listen to me?

This Guy: Not now, woman! I’m watching an Ostrich going Eric Little against Dennis Northcutt! (not a made up thing)

"I think it's time to officially retire from racing flightless birds," said Northcutt after the defeat. "I might instead tryout as a contestant on Blind Date." (also not a made up thing)

But ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPNU, ESPN Classic, ESPN NEWS, and ESPN 3… and ESPN.com… and ESPN the magazine… are based on one Truman Show sized fib: that sports are news worthy. They do everything they can to fool you. Men and women dress like news anchors and read teleprompters while important late breaking bulletins scroll along the bottom of the screen. (Baseball player hits home run who allegedly wasn’t on steroids - may be the first in MLB history - Bud Selig plans on tasting urine sample to validate.) Reporters on the scene update viewers on the weather conditions for the big game and how it might affect you as you watch from the couch in your home -but it’s not news. Ironically it's when actual news stories occur that the jig is up.

Consider the Penn State scandal… but don’t consider it too long, weirdy. How does ESPN handle it? The same pundits who just hammed it up for “Funniest Mascot Brawls and Beatdowns” complete with Saget style voice overs and sound effects, suddenly turn to the camera and say, “and now we continue our coverage on The Penn State molestation cover up”… wait, what?

Or when O.J. Simpson was fleeing from the cops in that White Bronco (Don’t worry, we’ll get to Tim Tebow), was Stuart Scott around to say, “While OJ is on the run for committing murder, let’s remind you of some of the other great runs in his professional career.” (Cut to NFL films slow motion montage)

Stuart Scott makes difficult transitions look easy by simultaneously keeping one eye on each story.

2 of 3 Tim Tebow

Anybody heard about this guy? Apparently when he runs the triple option he feels God’s pleasure. (Hey, that’s two Chariots of Fire references!) He may have become the most controversial figure in the country by playing its favorite sport and believing its most popular religion. (84 percent of Americans say they are Christians. The rest are godless commies who watch PBS.)

This just in: Democracy is over.

But it may be the fact that there isn’t anything worth saying about the guy that makes him a touchstone for debate. He’s charismatic, has nice teeth (jealous) and understands just enough of Christianity to be a pastor of a Mega Church, without all the egoism and aggrandizing that is often associated with Mega Church pastors. (Did you see what I just did there? You thought I was going to say associated with athletes didn’t you? But I didn’t… I said Mega Church pastors. That’s why it’s so funny!)

If you hate him it’s because you want him to be just like the rest of us. If you love him it’s because you think he is.

If you’d like to join in on the debate (and why wouldn’t you) here are some lines you can use to make yourself sound smarter:

Pro Tebow

“His will overcomes his skill”

“He might not be a good quarterback but he is a GREAT football player” (This one may confuse)

“All he does is win football games” (The Skip Bayless Special)

“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!”

Anti Tebow

“He has terrible throwing mechanics”

“He can’t read NFL defenses” (Assume you learned what NFL defenses are from a Madden video game)

“The option can’t work at this level”

“There is no god”

Just interrupt people when they talk and say a line. They’ll see where you’re coming from.

Tebow, dost thou love thee? Lead thine Broncos.

3 of 3: Seven Of Nine

The Borg don't make 'em like they used to.