Hey everybody, look who’s
back so soon! Normally I would wait a few months before posting, but like all
the other sports/parody/slasher bloggers out there I need to give my unsolicited
opinion about the upcoming NFL draft. Hooray!
This year the draft is scheduled
as a three day event of pundits talking about players, players being selected,
and then more talking about the selected players by the pundits who just talked
about the same players minutes before they were selected… which still makes it
shorter and more exciting than cricket. BOOM! Take that, Sri Lanka!
But if you have paid any
attention to this years’ draft projections, the first 5 picks are pretty much a
done deal. Almost every prognosticator has it going:
Colts: Andrew Luck
Redskins: RG3
Vikings: Matt Kalil
Browns: Trent Richardson
Buccaneers: Morris
Claiborne
BORING!!!
So in order to spice
things up I asked the question that we’ve all been thinking: what would the
draft look like if teams were selecting Religious Historical Figures?
And instead of taking the
lazy, agnostic man’s approach to the question, I’m actually going to attempt to
answer it. Who’s ready to offend people of other faiths? I AM THAT I AM!!!
NFL Draft Preview: Religious Icons
1st Overall
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Projected Selection: Jesus
Christ
From: Nazareth in Galilee
Position: Right Hand of the
Father
Similar Player: Tom Brady
This is the obvious choice
for a team in desperate need for a savior. After finishing with a 1-15 record
and releasing Peyton Manning to free agency, the Colts will start the
rebuilding process with this pick - and the Son of God is a great start.
Strengths:
- Intangibles
- Treats everyone with an
egalitarian virtue
- Water into wine miracle
makes him popular among teammates
- Willing to take the
blame for others mistakes
- Can accomplish great
things without having any weapons on the offensive side of the ball
- Tells creative parables
to reveal truth (not sure how this translates to the field)
Weaknesses:
- Spends too much time
partying with tax collectors and prostitutes
- Does he have the killer
instinct needed to compete in the highly physical nature of the NFL? His
overall career would suggest no, but his little incident at the temple shows he
does have the capacity to play with a righteous fire
- Arm strength
2nd Overall
Team: Washington Redskins
Projected Selection:
Abraham (formerly Abram)
From: Haran
Position: Father of a
Great Multitude
Similar Player: Cam Newton
Washington gave up a lot
of picks to claim draft rights to this player. There were some rumors that Joseph
Smith was receiving consideration, but after his comments claiming that the Native
Indians are in fact children of the devil, the Redskins lost interest.
Strengths:
- As the father of three
faiths, Abraham has the ability to play in a myriad of complicated systems. Has
great instincts to play defensively (Orthodox Judaism) or to go on the offensive
(Evangelical Christianity) and possesses the leadership to keep his teammates
well disciplined (Sunni Islam).
- Quickness and Agility
- Willing to sacrifice son
for Super Bowl
Weaknesses:
- Pocket presence
- Too often listens to his
wife’s opinion
- Ball security
3rd Overall
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Projected Selection: Gautama
Buddha
From: India
Position: The Awakened One
Similar Player: Joe Thomas
After years of coaching
changes, an aging offensive line, and the revolving door of quarterbacks, the
Vikings are in desperate need to realign their philosophical principles. In
walks the perfect cornerstone to take the team to the next level.
Strengths:
- Being of an enlightened mind
and having removed himself from all desire, The Buddha never gests rattled by
his circumstances
- Can play through even
the most severe of injuries having escaped the illusion of the physical world
and transcended into a higher plane of consciousness
Weaknesses:
- Conflicting reports over
his physical conditioning: one scout, Sonadanda, described him as
"handsome, good-looking, and pleasing to the eye, with a most beautiful
complexion. He has a godlike form and countenance, he is by no means
unattractive."
- Spends too long droning in the huddle
- Seems to be unaware of his surroundings
4th
Overall
Team: Cleveland Browns
Projected Selection: St. Paul
From: Tarsus
Position: Apostle to the Gentiles
Similar Player: Maurice Jones Drew
Over the last 2 years, Team President Mike Holmgren
and General Manager Tom Heckert have focus on building up the defensive side of
the ball through the draft. But after consecutive years in the offensive
statistical cellar it’s time to add a playmaker. As possibly the most aggressive
religious figure in history, no evangelist did more to advance his faith
tradition in such a short amount of time that the Apostle Paul. As good as Paul
is expected to be, Browns fans will still lament they are cursed by God.
Strengths:
- Can recognize and break down any type of
defense with his strong argumentative skills
- Has great lateral quickness
- Shows power running north to south
- Vision
Weaknesses:
- Doesn’t always get along with teammates
- Tends to only see one side of an argument
- Thorn in his side doesn’t seem to be going away
- A little undersized
5th
Overall
Team: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Projected Selection: Muhammad
Position: There is only one God and Muhammad is
his prophet
From: Mecca
Similar Player: Tim Tebow
Clearly the best player available, Muhammad is an
excellent selection for a team looking to add some leadership and teach their
young talent in the way they should go.
Strengths:
- Has a loyal following
- Rejects idol worship
- Wrote an immaculate playbook
-Dedicated to his conditioning; this guy never
takes a day off
Weakness:
- Is not the media darling a franchise would hope
for with his strict "no cameras" policy
- Can be polarizing amongst the public and other players
- Sometimes his fans go a little overboard
You can send your angry emails to:
thisisnotarealemail@whatever.com
Happy Drafting!
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