Why He Be So Crazy?

Hello my faithful few,

After a long hiatus I have returned for another addition of Babbling Brook Jacoby! And based on the countless emails and phone calls I pretended to receive, I knew it was time to awake from my indifferent and depressed hibernation to bring you all the back page sports sorta-related news with my own over the top… what’s the word for it…in my own particular... (sigh)

"Idiom, sir?"

Idiom!

Here is one of those made up emails:

Dear Mark Twain of the sports blogosphere,

                First let me start by saying that I am a HUGE fan of yours ever since I read your essay on Frederick Douglass in Mrs. Wydnore’s 3^rd grade class. I agreed with your thesis that he was a great orator and debater, or as you put it “a good talker guy”, and that he was indeed just as capable as any of his white contemporaries. My only wish is that the consciousness of the 19^th century American South was as progressive as yours, for much bloodshed would have been averted. I was likewise quite taken by your follow up report on the Gettysburg Address entitled, “War, What Is It Good For? (Abolition Nothing, Good God!)”

                As a vivacious reader and head of the Literary Department at Dartmouth University, I can with some professional objectivity declare your work as the greatest triumph in the history of sports related humor and punditry. You sir make Bob Costas look like a boob. But sadly you have not posted in some great length of time. Have you been busily working on your master opus perhaps? A sports sonnet that only the ghost of Bill Shakespeare himself could conjure? For I cannot believe that a writer of your skill has been spending his days playing video games, trolling facebook, and lying about. While all noble pursuits, they pale in the light of your transcendent brilliance; the majesty of your written words reflecting the invisible nature of the Great Divine!

If you get this message hit me up on my cell phone… shoot.

Sincerely,

Professor Grey Poupon

Today we’ll examine the wild, the outlandish, and the out-of-bounds behavior of sports personalities in a segment we’re gonna call, "Why He Be So Crazy?"

OK! Who’s ready to Laugh AND Learn!

Ozzie Guillen:

Like shooting fish in a barrel, or in this case political prisoners by a firing squad. The Florida Marlins, one of baseball’s most snoried franchises, created waves in the offseason by moving to a new stadium in South Miami, adding a couple overrated big name free agents, and hiring the infamous Ozzie Guillen as manager.

IN-famous? IN-famous?

How infamous is Ozzie El Guapo? Some might even compare his domineering style and defiant personality to that of a Latin despot. But no one would be stupid enough to make a comparison like that - except for Ozzie himself when he in an interview with Time magazine said he admired Fidel Castro after comparing his own managerial career to that of the Cuban Communist dictator.

Fidel did have quite the promising career as the Washington General’s right handed reliever until his unfortunate comments about his own admiration for Joseph Stalin resulted in a forced resignation and immediate career change.

With English being his second language and crazy being his third, it’s hard to hold his past transgressions against him. What could start in his head as, “Omar Infante brings needed leadership to our young club,” can quickly become, “I love Adolf Hitler!” Or “It should be a real battle in the NL East,” morphs into, “All must bow before the Great Satan!”

Did I mention that the new baseball stadium is built right in the heart of Miami’s Cuban community? Nothing like making a first impression. Hello baseball fans! It’s great to be here in your neighborhood! Now let me tell you about how much I admire the tyrant who led you and your families to flee your homeland! Today, everyone gets a coupon for a half-off discount for Fidel Castro family day down at the stadium!

It would almost be like if at the end of An American Tail, Fievel Mouskewitz declares to his family the love and esteem he has for the Cossack Cats after they destroyed his family’s village and forced them to flee the country. Yeah. It’s kinda like that.

Somewhere out there Ozzie Guillen is putting his foot in his mouth.

Coach Bobby Petrino:

It’s the same tired story. College coach meets girl, girl gives coach favors, coach gets girl job, coach lies to wife, family, and school administration about girl after coach takes a little spill riding his mid life crisis crotch rocket into the ground with girl in b…b…back seat. Surprisingly in this story however, popular winning college coach gets sacked for unsavory extracurricular activity in the sack. Cough, cough, Rick Pitino!

Petrino, Pitino - Let’s call the whole thing off!

Not to be outdone though is the audacity of 1849er Jessica Dorrell. That’s right she has a name. And after knowingly playing the role of home wrecker, using her inappropriate relationship to gain employment, accepting a $20,000 “gift” to buy herself a new car, AND accepting paid leave from the university in her role in undermining the school’s integrity, she is threatening to sue for sexual harassment. But like the Ella Fitzgerald song says, you’ve got to give a little to get a little.

College Volleyball: The world’s oldest profession.

Haven’t we learned anything fellas? If you play with fire you get burned, and if you play touch football with a woman half your age you get tackled by your disgruntled wife. Petrino is yet again another cautionary tale of wanting it all and ending up with nothing.  

 It wasn’t the motorcycle accident but an encounter he had soon after with his wife and Elin Nordegren’s golf club that put Petrino in a neck brace.

Olympic Blunder:

From JaVale McGee’s lowlight free throw line dunks here and here to Ron Artest’s… everything he has ever done (I’m sorry, I refuse to refer to someone who once climbed into stadium seats to punch paying basketball fans as Metta World Peace), no sport offers a more abundant source of “why he so crazy” moments than the NBA.

The most recent comes from Dwayne Wade and Ray Allen, both saying that professional basketball players should get compensation for the time they spend playing for the USA Olympic team… because the honor of representing your country at the world’s most heralded sporting event is not enough for mega-millionaires (they need to get paid, ninja!) Patrick Ewing once said, "Sure NBA players make a lot of money, but we spend a lot too." And he is right. It is completely unfair to ask these guys who have never worked a day in their lives and get paid 10’s even 100’s of millions to represent something other than themselves once every four years. I feel like I've done this rant before...

There is no "I" in team, but there are two of them in Miami Heat. HEYO!

To be fair, many professional athletes including DWade and Ray Allen give their time and resources generously to charity, but this was a stupid thing to say – especially when most Olympians sacrifice their entire lives for one moment to make their country proud and receive very little compensation in return. So if they were speaking on behalf of athletes in other sporting events then ok, but if this is more “get mine while the gettin's good” that typifies the NBA mentality then shutty the mouthy.

What, there are other sports that people get paid to do? I am such a luger...

Good to be back, folks!